Dear my ex best friend

Every time I think of you I think about the popcorn fights we had in the cinema and the sleepover we had where we did our makeup to look like we just had a fight, but then I remember all the arguments we had. I remember when we didn’t talk, when we couldn’t even look at each other. Now we don’t talk, we avoid each other.

However I don’t miss you, I miss the person you used to be. I miss my best friend. I don’t know where the you of the past has gone or if you will ever come back but I don’t like the you of today. The you of today is everything you promised me you wouldn’t be. All the you of today cares about is always having a boyfriend or being perfect in every possible way.

The past 3 years you have been my world. You have been my rock. You picked me up when I fell down and been there for me when I was at my worst and maybe we have just grown apart and changed but part of me wants to know… are you still there? Because if you are and your willing to come back I’ll meet you half way.  If some part of the old you is still there then I want that part. I want to claim it and love it. I want u to be my partner in crime, my best friend, my sister. I never knew my real sister but you became a sister to me. So please meet me half way.

from your ex best friend

Life- trampolines, mazes and rollercoasters

Recently I feel like I’m on a trampoline, and every time I jump up gravity pulls me down. What I mean by this is that whenever my health (both mental and physical) is good something bad then happens and I’m back at the start. This is the same for my school work and basically everything else in my life. It is really frustrating due to the fact that I try so hard but I just end up back on square one.

 

I feel like I keep on finding myself and then losing myself again. It’s like I’m playing hide and seek with my mind, except I’m in a maze and My mind is really good at hiding and every time I close to finding my mind it turns out to be a dead end and I have to spend so so so long looking for another way to get to my mind. Another exit because I can not leave the maze without finding myself.

 

My life is like a rollercoaster because I have so many emotions for so many different people. I feel love and anger and hurt for a boy who does not love me back. I feel angry and sad because my ex best friend isn’t my best friend anymore. I feel left out and pissed at one of my mates. I feel happy for my ex because he’s happy but upset and angry because he’s not with me. I feel pure hatred to 2 of the people in my lives. I’m in pain due to the fact that I don’t feel very well. I feel joy and happiness that I have 1 person who cares for me. I  feel broken because I don’t feel like me anymore. All of these emotion’s I feel at one time.

 

Authors note: I know this  was abit boring but  I just needed to let everything out and tell someone about everything that was going on.

Top 10…..

These are just some of my top ten lists.

Top 10… TV shows// mixture of kids and teen//adult tv shows

  1. Greys anatomy
  2. pretty little liars
  3. gossip girl
  4. stranger things
  5. modern family
  6. I am Frankie
  7. riverdale
  8. Dance moms
  9. Nicky ricky dicky and dawn
  10. The dumping ground

Top 10… Movies

  1. Space between us
  2. lights out
  3. the book of henry
  4. everything everything
  5. The batman Lego movie
  6. wild child
  7. bring it on
  8. a dogs purpose
  9. Alice in wonderland
  10. Finding Dory

Top 10… make up brands

  1. Mac
  2. benefit
  3. Revlon
  4. Mua
  5. Maybelline
  6. covergirl
  7. revolution
  8. max factor
  9. soap and glory
  10. chanel

Top 10… thing’s to do on a rainy day

  1. Bake- Bake cakes or cookies or anything
  2. Play board games- go old style and have a nice game of snakes n ladders
  3. Dance- “don’t wait for the storm to pass, learn to dance in the rain”
  4. Watch a funny movie// Tv show- sit down n have a  laugh
  5. Try all your clothes on- Have a mini fashion show
  6. Learn- practice some maths or English (make it fun tho)
  7. Read- Books can take your mind to a whole new place
  8. Call an old friend- Get back in touch with your old friends
  9. Beauty day- have a nice bath, get a fask mask and relax
  10. Write- write something a blog post or a poem or a song or a short story or a diary entry

Top 10… reasons to smile

  1. Your beautiful
  2. Even if your having a bad day your surviving it and tomorrow will be different
  3. You have family and friends who love you
  4. Your healthy and alive
  5. Theres 14 seasons of greys anatomy to watch- if you haven’t watched it yet ur missing out
  6. It confuses people
  7. smiling is contagious
  8. you have a great smile
  9. your not alone
  10. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY

Talking to someone

I went back to school this week and well things haven’t changed much. One of these things is the amount of arguments and the stress to stay mates with the popular people. I will admit I am an absolute cow when it comes to arguments. Without a doubt I will argue back but I will always argue for the right reasons or if someone is getting bullied I will stick up for them not the bully.

However sometimes the arguments get to much. This week I have fought other peoples .battles and my own battles and sometimes I have mental breakdowns. I don’t have these in public because I am not someone who cries in front of everyone.

This week I had a mental breakdown and I didn’t realise my mascara had spread till someone told me half way during class. That also happened to be the time our head of year just happened to walk into our classroom. Now he keeps asking me if I’m ok and My answer is always YES.  However I don’t feel ok. I haven’t been ok for a long time. I know I’m not alone because my friends are there for me. There my shoulder to cry on. They tell me it’s ok to cry and it is ok to hurt and it is ok to ask for help.

Although for whatever reason talking to a teacher even tho I know they want to help me seems like a hard thing for me to do. I like to be independent and sort things out on my own. What would you do? Would you talk to a teacher ?

Writer’s block

Hi guys I need your help. I am currently going through a writer’s block, normally I write songs and short stories and poems. However for the past few months I have been unable to create.

No matter how hard I try it’s like I can’t create a character or I can’t find any word’s to describe how I am feeling. It’s like I’m numb and I can’t feel or write anything anymore. My mind goes completely blank and I’ve lost my creativity.

I feel like I have lost my voice. There’s nothing but emptiness in my mind and my heart. It is really affecting me because I get angry at myself because writing has always been a part of my life. I need to find my voice again but I have lost it.

Writing was my way to freely speak and I need it. Please someone help me. How do I get through a writers block

Bye for now- CJ XOXO

Heart broken

Have you ever had your heart broken? Like really heart broken? Like a piece of you is missing. I have. I’ve been hurting for a long time now. I broke up with someone who loved me because I was scared of being loved myself.

I know I’m only 13/14 but I still felt real love and I broke up with him due to peer pressure and fear yet all I want is him. He told me he’d always love me yet he’s moved on and I haven’t. My heart still skips a beat when I here his name. I still check his status to see if he’s single again. I love him.

When I broke up with him I felt numb. I asked him to still be my best friend and he said yes but he pushed me away and I know I deserve to be pushed away because I broke his heart and he broke mine when he wouldn’t take me back.

So now I want to know…

  1. Is there a cure for a broken heart?
  2. Have you ever been broken hearted?
  3. how long will it laast

Dear type 1 diabetes

I hate you. I don’t hate you for the injections or the hypos or the highs or the insulin pump changings. I got over them. I’m used to them.

I hate you for taking away my childhood. When I was 6 years old I had to grow up and have the responsibility of my blood sugars. I hate you for making me weak. I hate you for making me scared that my blood sugars might drop or raise in the night and the thought that I might not wake up the next morning. I hate you for being so hidden, so unknown. No one knows what u are. No one understands the pain I feel. I hate it for making me scared, anxious and exhausted. I hate it for throwing everything back in my face even when I try so hard. I hate the way everything I do is never good enough. I  hate the fact that whatever I do, whoever I meet I will always feel alone because I am doing this by myself because no one understands how it feels ;(

Bye for now- CJ XOXO

Who am I?

2017 is coming to an end and for the past few months I have been asking myself the same question. “Who am I?” No matter how hard I have tried this year I haven’t been able to answer this question.

My mind is lost and I don’t know how to find myself. I keep on changing who I am because I am trying to find  a me that I like. I’ve changed my clothes and I have dyed my hair from blonde to pink to purple to brown and now back to blonde. However I have realised that no one knows who they really are.

We are all just finding ourselves everyday we are changing we are finding new things that we like. One day we will find out who we are and what we want to do with our lives but right now we are still looking and as long as I am having fun I am fine with the version of me that I am right  now

Tips to get the perfect body

If you’ve  read my recent posts you should know my new years resolution is to get the perfect body in a healthy way. By healthy I mean no crash diets no over exercising and no purging.

These are the techniques I am using to get the body I want:

  1. Use smaller plates therefore you eat less food
  2. Wait at least 3 hours between meals
  3. Eat slowly it takes about 20 minutes for your metabolism to speed up
  4. Eat more healthy foods then unhealthy
  5. If you’ve eaten well during the week treat yourself at the weekend
  6. Exercise for at least 1 hour everyday- no more than 4 hours a day don’t over do it
  7. make exercising fun. If you like dance then dance if you like running put some tunes on and go for a jog
  8. Sleep more
  9. Stop drinking alcohol
  10. Drink lot’s of water
  11. Stat positive- remember things wont change straight away

Hope you all have a happy new year and reach all your goals. Hope my tips helped

 

Bye for now- CJ XOXO

reflection on 2017

Wow 2017 is almost over and well it’s been a rollercoaster.

The year started off as an all time great. My life was perfect in January I went to a few parties, made a few more friends and everything was fine. However things quickly took a turn for the worse, I had started arguing with people I lost about 9 of my best friends I lost all my self esteem and I felt so alone and worthless. I had friends but it wasn’t the same. Part of me was missing. I was getting stressed I was crying every night.

However things got better 3 of my best friends ill just call them DE, C AND E had managed to cheer me up they even found me a boyfriend. He was my bridge. He was the only thing stopping me from falling because he hugged me, he told me he loved me, he spent every day by my side and when I fell out with DE, C and E he told me he’d stay with me no matter. I was ok not sad not happy just ok. I soon made friends with the 9 people I fell out with after 5 months of arguing and I made friends with DE, C and E again. However the 9 friends and DE, C and E hated each other I was in the middle of 2 friendship groups. Over the next few months I was stuck in arguing. No one noticed I was on the verge of a mental breakdown or that id starved myself.

Due to peer pressure I then broke up with my boyfriend.My bridge collapsed. I am still hurtin and missing him and I regret breaking up with him. This year has broke me, changed me and nearly killed me. I felt so alone all year. Hopefully next year will be better tho.

I would love to go back in the year and change some things. 2017 has had some good and bad points however I have a feeling 2018 will be better

 

-Bye for now-CJ XOXO